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    Which one?

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    Dracotorix
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    Which one?

    Post  Dracotorix on Wed Nov 03, 2010 10:32 am

    This is my Halloween thing for this year... its existence is thanks to one of those swords that Micah and Jacob fight with lying in a pile of leaves. Anyway, which version should I use?



    This one is the original. It failed miserably, but it might be revivable...


    A light unlike the dawn
    Golden as the harvest moon and keening like sickly violins
    Lanterns hanging in the night
    On thickly twisting knotted vines

    A glow comes through the blackened moss
    Heavying otherwise lightened boughs
    A delicate crunch of brown leaves on the ground
    That tiny barefoot dancers crack and race away with squeals of glee

    A mischievous yellow shines within the dark and
    Dusky forest, howling
    Autumn wolves beyond the hill
    Lament the ghostly shadows’ passing

    Within the reel of the faery ring
    Still lies the sword of the Autumn King
    Once every year it gives its rust to the leaves
    And hawthorn branches on the hazel eaves
    And of his world fell goblins sing



    This one is an Italian sonnet.


    Unlike the dawn, a spectral light
    Shines through the moss as goblins play
    And on brown leaves they race away.
    Many are driven by this sight,
    Orange and glowing in the night.
    The ghostly lanterns by their way
    Have turned men’s wanderlust astray
    Lost paths unknowing of their plight.

    Within the reel of the faery ring—
    As told in whisper and in rune—
    Still lies the sword of the Autumn King.
    Its long-told tale is beckoning
    For beneath the light of the harvest moon
    The goblins still at twilight sing.



    This one was supposed to be an English sonnet, but it's not, because I "accidentally" put two quatrains at the end instead of one couplet..


    A light unlike the dawn appears
    Through the moss and shadowed leaves.
    It whispers to a traveler’s fears
    And glows up to the forest eaves.

    The wind would howl beyond the trees
    And stop the breath of someone there
    A traveler who thinks he sees
    The light that taunts him with a dare.

    In ghostly shadows it departs
    He follows it far from his way
    It leaves a yearning in his heart
    And he can’t help but go astray…

    And so no mortal ever found
    The elven-folk who tiptoed round
    Upon the leaves strewn on the ground
    Who took no risks and made no sound.

    Within the reel of the faery ring
    Still lies the sword of the Autumn King
    It’s long told story is beckoning,
    For the goblins still at twilight sing.


    So far I have one vote for both of the sonnets, leaning toward the last one, and one vote for all three (which is not helpful at all)

    jlnaginey

    Posts : 69
    Join date : 2010-08-23

    Re: Which one?

    Post  jlnaginey on Mon Nov 15, 2010 6:06 pm

    I absolutely love parts of all of them. cheers On first read through I liked the second one best, second read through the third one best - but I agree that the first has potential too. What a Face
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    Dracotorix
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    Re: Which one?

    Post  Dracotorix on Tue Nov 16, 2010 11:00 pm

    If you're not going to give me a real vote then you have to give me suggestions!

    jlnaginey

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    Join date : 2010-08-23

    Re: Which one?

    Post  jlnaginey on Wed Nov 17, 2010 2:14 pm

    Ok the first one makes me feel discontinuity - one thing then another not connected. The second is smoother - continuous, flowing. The third one seems less emotional, so it just depends on my mood ....

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